She loves spring too.

I know because one of her new favorite words is "ah-sai".

Thank you for your kind responses to my last post. During that bleak time I described, I had no idea this little girl lay in my future. I have been as blissfully happy as my despair was deep.

After reading one more excerpt from my journal that year, you might understand why I felt I needed to post what I did.

I gain a little bit greater insight each day, and each one gives me the strength I need to hang on and keep trying. I have these highs when I know that everything is going to be all right and I almost feel like myself again, only a more refined, polished young woman than I was a year ago. It gives me a great desire to help others, ANYONE who ever finds just the act of living to be painful.
It was one little way I hoped I could. If I can offer you any further encouragement, I would love you to let me know.


Thank you again for your kind words.

I love spring.

I can finally say that although I don't understand all of it, I am grateful for what I have experienced this past year....It was like I'd been hit by a train. Depression leaves you with nothing to live for, you hardly have the will to open your eyes, even though you have everything to live for.

the earliest stage of my depression
that smile is not real; I didn't know what was happening to me

I know how suffering feels. I know how it feels to be completely hopeless, to feel like you've lost everything, like you're garbage, to loathe yourself. I know what it feels like to believe that God has abandoned you, and that it's all your fault.

Christmas Day 2005
I don't know who took this picture, but I didn't feel I was worth
the lipstick on my face; I'll spare the pictures on the days I didn't
make an effort to get ready for the day

But what a glorious gift it is to come to the realization that all of that is lies, and that in your suffering you have actually come to more fully know God, understand what He went through, and become more like Him.

This comes from my journal, February 2006. I was realizing that I was overcoming a near year-long battle with depression and that I was going to make it. As a result, that spring was especially meaningful to me. It was like as the world was coming back to life, so was I. I saw everything with new eyes. And every time spring comes around again, those same feelings and memories of being excited to live and love life again return more powerfully than they do at any other time of the year.

Some of the most important things that came to me as a result of this most defining time of my life so far was:

1. A deeper love and appreciation for family. I am not capable of expressing what I learned about how much my parents love me through this experience and how it brought me closer to each of my sisters and brother.

this is the picture that hung on the wall during my depression;
I remember looking at myself in the picture thinking
"where did that girl go?" I started to believe she wouldn't
ever come back

2. I met this boy not too long after

finding my ultimate definition of happiness after so much despair

and 3. I emerged with the assurance that GOD IS ALWAYS THERE, present, mindful of you, even when you are convinced He isn't. This understanding has helped me every single day as well as through other difficulties that have come.

The following song on this video brings me to tears when I consider it as a prayer. My sister Hailey discovered it when she went to Lion King last year, and I want to thank her for being a giver and letting me share it here, because I know it is meaningful to her as well. To anyone who has ever experienced an endless night. If you are still there, may you find the strength to hang on because I promise dawn will come.


It almost makes me uncomfortable to write this last part because I don't know how to say it, but there may be some of you reading this that remember this period of my life and you were part of the answer to many many prayers. Your concern, your love, your support, and unconditional friendship helped me to make it. Thank you.

3 and a Half Reasons I'm Thankful

#1
We've gotten word by phone and by internet that our Chilean relatives are safe and well.



#2
Saturday's car accident was so very minor with Danilo and me up front and Grace and her aunt Chelsea in the backseat (yes, that IS the car I was driving as a junior in high school... she's so good to us!)


#3
March 1st was Spring-like enough to take a walk on the trail at the park. Gracie... this is called outside and you're going to love it!

#3 and a half
Springtime in the air means it's time to put up my favorite wreath... or putting up my favorite wreath means Spring is in the air. Good news either way!

$59 and a Really Wonderful Husband

Today Danilo and I ran and grabbed a bite to eat for lunch. As we were leaving the restaurant, I noticed that ShopKo across the street was having a huge garden sale. I'd been wanting to go pick up some gerber daisies to put in a pot on our front porch, and when I mentioned that to Danilo, he said we could go take a look. As we walked in and saw tables and tables of trays of flowers, I started to get a little gardening bug. Long story short, a couple of stops and $59 later, we'd picked up everything we needed for our first flower garden, which has to consist of hanging baskets and flower pots when you have cement instead of a garden plot. Danilo was wonderful and I kept telling him he was as he followed me through the aisles and the greenhouses. We didn't forget a thing among the 40 pound bag of soil, the Miracle Gro, and my very first own trowel and gardening gloves. I think he felt like I did the time I followed him around RC Willey to find the best entertainment system. While he worked on homework, I sat on our porch and threw our little garden together. Once I got it all cleaned up, he came out and said all the right things about how pretty it looked. I go out every half hour just to look at it again and get all tickled inside. I think it's because I planned on being inside all day long doing the house cleaning routine and instead it turned into a beautiful outdoor Saturday in May. I'm also especially feeling grateful for Danilo this weekend. I had a co-worker and friend unexpectedly lose her husband this past week and it has given me a fresh perspective on how fragile life is and how grateful I am every time I get to be with him.