My Brother the Eagle

She loves spring too.

I know because one of her new favorite words is "ah-sai".

Thank you for your kind responses to my last post. During that bleak time I described, I had no idea this little girl lay in my future. I have been as blissfully happy as my despair was deep.

After reading one more excerpt from my journal that year, you might understand why I felt I needed to post what I did.

I gain a little bit greater insight each day, and each one gives me the strength I need to hang on and keep trying. I have these highs when I know that everything is going to be all right and I almost feel like myself again, only a more refined, polished young woman than I was a year ago. It gives me a great desire to help others, ANYONE who ever finds just the act of living to be painful.
It was one little way I hoped I could. If I can offer you any further encouragement, I would love you to let me know.


Thank you again for your kind words.

I love spring.

I can finally say that although I don't understand all of it, I am grateful for what I have experienced this past year....It was like I'd been hit by a train. Depression leaves you with nothing to live for, you hardly have the will to open your eyes, even though you have everything to live for.

the earliest stage of my depression
that smile is not real; I didn't know what was happening to me

I know how suffering feels. I know how it feels to be completely hopeless, to feel like you've lost everything, like you're garbage, to loathe yourself. I know what it feels like to believe that God has abandoned you, and that it's all your fault.

Christmas Day 2005
I don't know who took this picture, but I didn't feel I was worth
the lipstick on my face; I'll spare the pictures on the days I didn't
make an effort to get ready for the day

But what a glorious gift it is to come to the realization that all of that is lies, and that in your suffering you have actually come to more fully know God, understand what He went through, and become more like Him.

This comes from my journal, February 2006. I was realizing that I was overcoming a near year-long battle with depression and that I was going to make it. As a result, that spring was especially meaningful to me. It was like as the world was coming back to life, so was I. I saw everything with new eyes. And every time spring comes around again, those same feelings and memories of being excited to live and love life again return more powerfully than they do at any other time of the year.

Some of the most important things that came to me as a result of this most defining time of my life so far was:

1. A deeper love and appreciation for family. I am not capable of expressing what I learned about how much my parents love me through this experience and how it brought me closer to each of my sisters and brother.

this is the picture that hung on the wall during my depression;
I remember looking at myself in the picture thinking
"where did that girl go?" I started to believe she wouldn't
ever come back

2. I met this boy not too long after

finding my ultimate definition of happiness after so much despair

and 3. I emerged with the assurance that GOD IS ALWAYS THERE, present, mindful of you, even when you are convinced He isn't. This understanding has helped me every single day as well as through other difficulties that have come.

The following song on this video brings me to tears when I consider it as a prayer. My sister Hailey discovered it when she went to Lion King last year, and I want to thank her for being a giver and letting me share it here, because I know it is meaningful to her as well. To anyone who has ever experienced an endless night. If you are still there, may you find the strength to hang on because I promise dawn will come.


It almost makes me uncomfortable to write this last part because I don't know how to say it, but there may be some of you reading this that remember this period of my life and you were part of the answer to many many prayers. Your concern, your love, your support, and unconditional friendship helped me to make it. Thank you.

I Kept a Daily Journal for Five Days

The other night I tried starting a daily journal writing habit. It was on the computer which was supposed to be appealing because my hand wouldn't get tired. I kept it up for five days. Here's a sample of my first entry... and my last.

March 11, 2011
...I feel like I would like to catch what it feels like to live my life right now every day... in years to come, I want to be able to revisit this period of my life, because Danilo will eventually graduate from school and Grace won't always be a toddler, and I want to remember what it was like.

March 16, 2011
Okay... the honest truth is that so far this journaling isn't doing what I would like it to for me. I love love love to write and get a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment out of it. I pour my heart out a lot on my blog on matters that mean a lot to me... I guess I just feel like over the last four or five days I have stopped in and given a quick account of my day and not gotten much out of it. I will be making some decisions on how to continue....

So, I have a confession, or maybe a clarification, or a change of direction to make regarding this blog. I started a blog with the intention of making it a way to share what's going on with the Collado family. But as time has passed, I've found it really a satisfying way of saying things I feel like I need or want to say before I burst with excitement or love or gratitude or passion for something. So I think my blog is serving an important purpose for me. A good question is why I keep it online where people can look at it. I guess I hope that something I write can be useful or inspiring to someone I know or don't know and give them a little push in the right direction.

So while I'm posting things on the blog titled THE COLLADO FAMILY, I will really be writing things as Brittney sees and feels and experiences them. I guess that's what's been going on the whole time. I just feel better now that that's clarified. OF COURSE Danilo and Grace will be mentioned frequently because they are the stuff of my life. I just won't have to worry about how I'm trying to write about how I felt about the primary election or my love for my grandpa's hometown under the guise of what's happening in the Collado family. I feel better now that that's out. :)

February 14

Dear Danilo,

Thank you for the lengths you went to to make me feel special on Monday. You are a good man.


Love,
Brittney

And now it is our favorite time: Signing Time!

I was NOT going to teach my baby sign language because I didn't want to be one of those moms who said, "Did you know we're teaching her sign language?" and then have her demonstrate for people. I don't know what I was so hung-up over. I guess I thought of it as code for, "Do you know that my baby is smarter than your baby?" (I know, that doesn't sound very nice. I get over it.) Then Chelsea discovered some DVDs in the basement from when Hailey was studying sign language a few years ago, and they became an instant hit with Gracie when they appeared on screen.

At the beginning of Signing Time, Rachel Coleman (co-creator) explains that among many other benefits, sign language can help eliminate the terrible twos because your child can sign what they want even if they can't say it and become much less frustrated in the process. It's pretty wonderful. It's been really fulfilling to see her get so excited when we understand what she's trying to tell us. For example, she'll come up to me doing this:

And I will say, "Are you thirsty, Grace?"
To which she'll nod her head emphatically and let out a delighted shriek.


She gets what she needs and we're both very thrilled about it.

Here are some words she let me take pictures of this afternoon:

cheese

dirty

eat

hot

cold

It's a really wonderful language. I'm glad she's been exposed to it and I'm glad my initially bad attitude got out of the way.

dancing to "I'm Proud to Be Me" at the end of Volume 3 :)

Small Town, Idaho

My Grandpa Parke was born and raised with his two brothers in a small Idaho town. His twin brother still lives there with his wife Dianne. Their four living kids have all made their way back there over the years and are raising their families there, too. You can read about their fifth child, Derrick here.

(Dar, Brittney at 18, Grandpa)

While I'm in love with my Utah home, I take any chance I get to go back to my grandpa's hometown. I had an opportunity to do that this weekend with my family because Dar and Dianne's oldest grandsons, twins Trent and Tyler just returned from their missions. Being there never fails to lift my spirit and feed my soul. Dar and Dianne are some of, if not the most stalwart, faithful, inspiring and beautiful people I know. There is the richest, sweetest feeling in and around their home and some of my choicest memories have been made there. I associate powerful feelings of fun and love and belonging with being there and I don't know if they'll ever know how special they and the experiences we've had up there are to my siblings and me.

Brittney (9) feeding a calf

Danilo and I run in a 3-legged race at the rodeo


saying goodbye a few summers back

Sometimes I wonder if some of the way I feel about their small town is romanticized because I only visit from time to time, but I don't believe it. Something inside tells me that Dar and Dianne's way of living and their character goes even deeper than what I have experienced... that while no one and no place is perfect, if I stayed a little longer than a trip, I would find that they are truly just as wonderful and genuine as I think they are.

last weekend at the ranch house
my grandparents were there, too
can you spot the twin returned missionaries?